My Lowest Point Yet..

Before I get into the nitty gritty here, I'd first like to say that these are strictly my feelings, thoughts, and struggles! This post is an effort to expose my weakness and shortcomings and hopefully try to make some changes.

With that being said, if you've read some of my earlier entries, you know I struggle with food addiction... mainly sweets. Well since the day I had surgery, I told myself I would physically hurt myself if I had sweets (as a defense mechanism). Well that worked for well over 6 months and I ended up loosing 150+ pounds to date.

Here's where it gets interesting... Christmas 2019 my family and I flew to Mississippi for a family emergency.. long story short, we spent Christmas in the south where we are from. That being said, Christmas dinner is pretty much fried everything followed by pecan, pumpkin, and chocolate pie.

I don't ever want to deny myself something because of the surgery, I simply want to "not want it" because its not healthy. Now, here's the tricky part... being that I don't want to deny myself something (mainly because we only want what we can't have) I allowed myself a very small piece of pumpkin pie at a Christmas dinner. Biggest mistake of my life! Worst part is, nothing happened! I didn't get dumping syndrome (some bariatric patients get sick after eating sugar), I didn't develop any abdominal pain, and I didn't feel any different than if I would have eaten a salad.

And just like that, without even realizing it, I set myself on a path I thought I'd never go down again. I slowly started 'allowing' things I shouldn't, started having cravings for sweets again, and now I'm back to hiding sweets and sneaking them in my own home. Yes, I'm very serious!

Food addiction is very real and very dangerous for me at this point. I only have about 30 pounds before I am at a healthy BMI and about the same to my goal weight. I'm so close I can taste it but somehow, my brain says sweets taste better!

As if all that isn't bad enough, I'll go ahead and be 100% transparent and let y'all know that when I first started eating sweets again, it was mostly sugar free stuff like Carb Smart ice cream and pudding, and sugar free truffles. Now..I don't even bother buying sugar free stuff, and I just eat whatever is available to me.

I am trying to convince myself to call the counselor tomorrow to tell her about what's going on but I feel like I'll be so ashamed and I'll just shut down and not tell her everything.. I want to get back to not wanting it but I don't know how at this point. I'm currently at my worst point in this battle and I want to be honest about the struggle of food addiction.

I will be updating y'all on my progress in this fight and I refuse to give up! Please pray for me to find the strength to overcome this. Thank y'all for all your support!

Much love y'all!

Until next time,

Kay